Category: Patience

N.53 A Few of Your Father’s Favorite Sayings

Lest you one day forget, as I am certain to, I want to record a few of my favorite fatherly sayings:

“Change your attitude to one of gratitude.”

“There are two ways to handle a situation: The calm way, and the wrong way.”

“The first and last thing you should do each day is to give thanks.”

Today, these comments are typically regarded with an eye roll. Likely because I don’t always model the advice myself. That said, I do repeat them frequently, and what I’ve found is that the more often I do, the more often I succeed in practicing what I preach.

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N.48 On Finding Peace Amidst the Madness

Today I endured a rant from a person of a certain political viewpoint. It was a rant I could not respond to, not because there was no response to the absurd untruths that were uttered, but because I have learned that debating this particular person only results in a having to endure a lengthier, more aggressive and increasingly absurd tirade. How people can believe the lies they hear without seeking verification, which would easily expose these points as untrue, is astounding. As the rant continued, I slowly made my way, step by step, toward the door. I left in a sweat and drove home wrecked with anxiety over the extreme division in our country.

At home, I felt my heartbeat was irregular and checked my blood pressure. It was 152/92. Never in my life have I had high blood pressure. A doctor visit would be in order, if we were not already overwhelmed with bills. 

As I write, I am listening to an Icelandic opera. Klang Der Offenbarung Des Göttlichen – Teil I & II, by Kjartan Sveinsson. Gorgeous music. This is my therapy, helping to abate the unease I feel rehashing my feelings. At this time in my life, developing a consistent routine of exercise, meditation and relaxation seem critical to longevity. Church, too. Let us always keep the faith.  

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N.45 On Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” He also wrote, “Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” And, “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” And, “People do not seem to realize that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character.” And, “You become what you think about all day long.” And lastly, from his essay Self-Reliance, “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.” This is why we visited his grave in Concord, Massachusetts. Read and reread Emerson.

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N.42 “What If” Questions

I find this passage in my notebook.

“What if instead of anger, patience? What if instead of judgment, an attempt to understand? What if instead of hate, empathy? What if instead of war, discussion, negotiation and reasonable compromise?” 

The source of these words is unknown to me. I have searched and come up with nothing. I suppose it is possible that they are my own, but I honestly can’t remember. It does not matter. Whoever wrote it, I like the idea. What if in moments of weakness, when we wish to react negatively, our brain was trained to shut down the harmful reaction, and instead consider the opposite, positive alternative?

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N.38 How We Choose to Spend Our Time

Time, no matter your age, is too precious to let pass without intention. You are the judge of how best to spend your days. Opinions of outside parties needn’t be of much concern. Your accomplishments — the love you share, the friendships you form, the work you do — will make the case for how well you have spent your time. No one else knows what touches your soul, what ignites your emotion. Sitting on a porch, in silence, gazing in wonder at your surroundings, may seem like unnecessary idleness or even laziness to others. However, if this sort of endeavor lifts your spirits, focuses your mind, brings perspective, as it does mine, then do it often, and without remorse. If walking is your thing, or running marathons, or climbing mountains, or making art or starting businesses, then do these things. No one is in complete control of their ultimate destiny. There are far too many variables that come into play. What we can control is how we spend the time afforded us.

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N.24 Bedtime

Tonight you were upset that you had scored poorly on a practice spelling quiz. You got 8 of 20 correct. You began to cry and put your head down on the table. I tried to explain that there was no need to get upset. I knew you could do better, and with a little practice, you would. You did not want to hear it. You started to cry even harder. I stood up and walked into my bedroom, needing to regroup. A moment later, you got up from the table and stormed off. I could hear your footsteps thump across the floor and up the stairs. I felt things were suddenly spiraling out of control.

A few minutes later I found you sitting at the top of the stairs, working on your spelling words. You were determined. I grabbed a pillow and joined you, sitting a few stairs below. As a show of support, your little sister appeared with your white bear, “Snuggy,” handed it to you, and asked if we could take a break so she could read us a poem she had written about wanting to be a colorful rainbow.

When you took another practice exam, you got all but one correct. You were so proud. I was, too. At bedtime, you asked if I would lay with you, just for a few minutes. You draped your am over my shoulder, and my arm was draped over yours. I wondered about the love you felt for me in that moment. The happiness, security and contentment. What was it like? Was it similar to what I felt? An overpowering love. A love greater than one can fully comprehend. Did you love me that way? Is that what you felt? I hoped so, for if you, my children, love me as much as I love you, there seems is little else we need in life. 

With you girls, I know this will change in time. The love you now reserve exclusively for your mother and I will eventually shift to someone else. It is hard to imagine, but one day there will be another lying there with you, your arms draped over one another’s shoulders, staring into one another’s eyes, the love between you a feeling as close to bliss as you may ever experience. I know this because I have felt it with your mother. In fact, I still do.

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N.11 Relationships

We are fortunate to have good relationships with our extended family. You have wonderful grandparents that cherish their time with you. With friends we never have issues. With those who have differing and even off-putting opinions, we find ways to base our relationship on common ground. It is work, but the rewards far outweigh the effort. 

What seems illogical or even ridiculous to you will make perfect sense to someone else. Try to remember this and avoid being judgmental. Be a friend. Show compassion. Help others to carry on.

An individual’s views and opinions are made up of an amalgamation of life experience, including upbringing, environment, education, one’s understandings and misunderstandings of how the world works, as well as numerous other variables. Most are not easily swayed from their opinion. In fact, many become angry and even defiant when their position is challenged, even in instances when the opinion they hold can be easily disputed. While making an effort to listen to opinions that, on the surface, I disagree with, and being open to consider what merits these positions may hold, I have, in general, made a habit of avoiding conversation that will stir up contentious emotions, especially with those whom I love and care for. There is no point in it, less making clear to both parties that your positions are at irreconcilable odds. 

There is a reason those who practice law spend countless hours preparing an argument before trail. To expect a well thought out argument from a non-expert at a family gathering or dinner with friends is unrealistic. What you are getting from an individual in most cases is how this person feels. Unless you are an expert in the matter, you can only assess whether or not these feelings mesh with your own, then decide whether or not to make your own feelings known. What you risk, should your feelings differ from a loved one, is the deterioration of a relationship that is important to you. 

People with high moral standards may tell you that one should not refrain from making known the principles upon which they construct their lives, especially when opposition to those principles is being voiced, regardless of how it may impact one’s relationship with another. I do not think this is the best course of action. I have loving relationships with a number of people who have strong opinions contrary to my own. My relationship remains strong largely because I avoid discussing divisive topics and do my best to divert the conversation to a different topic when necessary. Instead of harboring ill will toward that person as a result of these differences, I choose to focus on what it is I love and admire about the person. While frustrating at times, exercising restraint in order to maintain a healthy relationship with those I care about is far and away the better option. This is just my humble opinion. 

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N.6 Wants and Needs

At the writing of this book, I am 45-years old. Your mother, the same. As adults in their mid-40s go, we are relatively healthy, or so we’ve been told. We live in a small, but adequate apartment, high in the mountains of Colorado. Through windows on the north side stands a tall mountain that over millions of years has taken the form of an offshore ocean swell rolling slowly toward the coast. Near the summit are sloping meadows of evergreens and aspens. In mid to late September the aspen leaves turn gold. In winter, the upper reaches are white with snow. When summer comes the trees bloom once again and the mountain turns bright green. The view of this mountain is altered daily by sunlight, clouds, even rainbows. We have called this place home for over ten years and to this day the view never fails to inspire. More than once, while peering at the mountain through the upstairs bedroom window, my eyes have filled with tears. 

At this age, I have little in the way of material possessions that concern me. My wedding ring. An acoustic guitar. The pocket bible of a friend who died young. A Hermes tie from his father that I wore to my friend’s funeral, and later his father’s. A pair of moccasins bought in Taos for my first born by another friend who also died young. A few boxes of old photographs. A significant number of books. Some journals and personalized notes from my parents and your mom. A series of three portraits depicting each of you that were painted by a local artist. These are my most cherished possessions. At the moment, I don’t know that I need anything more. 

Life, however, is not quite as simple as I have made it sound. I’m often confused as to the purpose of my constant striving. Monetarily, we never seem to have enough and this causes great strain. I never stop thinking and am almost always exhausted. Is there one thing that will make me content once and for all? What is it that will help us, as a family, attain a sustainable happiness? Is it more money? A larger home? Some greater level of achievement? Stronger faith? 

A recurring burden is the sense that we must have more. It has been my wish to move you girls and your mother into a more spacious home, leaving behind this small apartment and the neighbors who lack decency enough to keep their homes neat and tidy. A home that makes you excited to invite friends over to spend the night. With each passing day, this urgency grows. I want to put you in a better place, it is my greatest desire, yet I have not been able to figure out a way to do so. 

While this anxiety builds, I cannot help but acknowledge the fact that our family needs little else. We live in what I believe is one of the most beautiful towns in the world. A town with excellent schools, friendly people, and low crime. A town where people think and dream big. Granted, this is due in part to the fact that they can afford to, but that does not diminish the value of such ambition. After all, imagining something is achievable is the first step in actually achieving it. Having been able to create a life in this town, for me, is a victory in itself. 

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N.3 A Dream Within A Dream

Considering again my recent dream in which the meaning of life was communicated to me, I’m beginning to think that my memory of waking up and repeating the answer quietly to myself over and over was actually an extension of the dream, or a dream within a dream. I suppose that does not change the fact that the answer had, in fact, been presented to me. As I lie there in the dark, whispering it to myself, the answer was in my possession. Whether I was awake at this point or still dreaming, all I had to do is remember it.

Maybe one day it will come back to me.

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