On the first page of his book, The World As I See It, Albert Einstein wrote that one hundred times a day he “gave gratitude for all, living and dead, whose labors had contributed in some way to his inner and outer life.” I think what he was saying was that it is important to recognize and appreciate everyone who has impacted our lives in some way, from the most significant contribution right down to the smallest. From those strangers who smile at us on the street to those who established and help maintain a society of relative stability and comfort, in which we currently exist. I can’t think of many ideas I like more than that of showing the exuberant level of daily gratitude Einstein suggests. Trace any number of things we should be grateful for back far enough and we will likely find that we owe thanks to nearly all of humanity. This is a life changing practice, that if adopted widely enough, could also change the world.
Category: Kindness
N.53 A Few of Your Father’s Favorite Sayings
Lest you one day forget, as I am certain to, I want to record a few of my favorite fatherly sayings:
“Change your attitude to one of gratitude.”
“There are two ways to handle a situation: The calm way, and the wrong way.”
“The first and last thing you should do each day is to give thanks.”
Today, these comments are typically regarded with an eye roll. Likely because I don’t always model the advice myself. That said, I do repeat them frequently, and what I’ve found is that the more often I do, the more often I succeed in practicing what I preach.
N.49 More Thoughts On Love
In life, avoid the trivial and the superficial. Anchor your life to the things that are good and timeless. Kindness and compassion for others, for instance. Showing love to your friends and family in your regular interactions. Showing love to strangers by way of simple acts. Make these things the foundation of who you are. Love, I believe, is the answer to most of our troubles. Notice that when actual, true love radiates from your heart, all feels right in the world.
N.47 A Letter Written To Your Mom On November 9, 2016
The following letter was written to your mother while on a flight to Savannah, Georgia, to speak at a children’s book festival.
November 9, 2016
Dear H_,
I will try not to speak much more of this, but I do want you to know where I stand on the president elect. This man is a virus, and his poison will spread.
I will not allow our daughters to be told that this thrice married, serial adulterer is a “good person” with “good family values.” They do not deserve to be deceived by adults who blindly support him. Our girls are being raised to be self-assured and compassionate, and will likely contribute in ways small and large to the betterment of society. As they grow older they will understand the truth about this man. History will not be kind to him, that is assured. But if we remain silent, we default our position to the wrong side of this embarrassment, as those in fervent support, we know, will continue to speak loud and often in his favor.
This man is delusional and dangerously ignorant, a gross narcissist, the type of person I loathe, and the antithesis of the person I wish our daughters to be as adults. We must teach our girls to verify information, to identify and dismiss those with questionable morals, to recognize hate speech, to expose untruths. In short, I want our daughters to stand up against those who disregard human decency, who berate, oppress and bully others. If our girls were older, I would hope that they would be appalled that an individual of such appallingly amoral character can become the President of the United States. God willing, the younger generation will never allow something as disgraceful as this to happen again.
Remember that this is a man whose supporters’ chant, “Lock her up!” at his provocation, and “Make America Great Again!” The latter taken, by the way, from Ronald Reagan’s campaign slogan, “Let’s Make American Great Again.” Is America not great already? How many of these people who rally around this slogan, I wonder, have ever traveled outside the United States? And even those that have, how many have traveled in the third world? Was our country not great after we elected our first black president? Have we already forgotten that the Obama administration helped prevent a second Great Depression? Unemployment is currently at 4.2%, the stock market, after falling by more than 50% under George W. Bush, is at record highs. Retail and real estate markets are booming. Overseas conflicts have been deescalated. The U.S. economy, our freedom, our opportunities are the envy of the world. I understand that there are still millions who suffer, who feel neglected and unheard, but it is unfortunate that those who chant “Make America great again” do not appreciate just how much better our country is after eight years of the Obama presidency.
Though a false narrative, Make America Great Again has become the rally cry for an almost exclusively white base of economically frustrated, disenfranchised and disillusioned, anti-Hillary and anti-Democrat men and women, but more frighteningly, it is being trumpeted by racists and white supremacists. Dangerous people have been empowered by this man’s election. They now feel vindicated after eight years of a black president, but their anger will not be subdued by the president elect, it will only be stoked. “This is serious, folks,” wrote a friend following the election. “T_ gets elected. T_ gets impeached. T_ calls on his heavily armed supporters to resist…America has a big problem.”
Whether we get through the next four years safely or descend into civil unrest, today begins a sad and tragic period in our nation’s history. My fear is that at the end of this we will no longer be great. Our country has elected a racist, chauvinist, megalomaniac; a man who faces dozens of allegations of sexual harassment and assault; a man who has been involved in over 4,000 law suits; a man who says climate change is a “Chinese hoax” and has campaigned on burning more fossil fuels, spewing even more pollutants into the air we breathe and the water we drink, exacerbating health problems in our children and accelerating the changes we are witnessing in the earth’s climate; a man who has made a career of insulting others, has virtually no knowledge of foreign policy, and even less ability to take on the roll of a diplomat. How could this possibly end well? The entire world will suffer from this election, and sadly, the negative effects of his presidency, of his cruel and vengeful ways, will be felt well into the future.
Do not ignore the angry and obnoxious comments he has made about women, Mexicans, Muslims, veterans, war heroes, the handicap, and war. Read the stories told by the women who have accused him of sexual assault, including his first wife. Look at the photographs of he and his third wife in their grotesquely gilded Manhattan penthouse. As a businessman, developer, husband and father, the man is a disgrace. As president, he is absolutely horrifying.
To those who say he will put the best people in place, I have doubts. I cannot see this man surrounding himself with intelligent people the way previous presidents have done. Appointing intelligent people into his cabinet would only spotlight his inadequacy. A man of his conceited nature could not tolerate such a demoralizing blow to his ego. Remember, this is a man who does not read. His words: “I don’t have time to read…I have a good brain…I go with my gut.” He gets the majority of his information from his own propaganda machine, and communicates with juvenile Tweets.
As parents we must begin with our children. The solution lies in the education and moral development of America’s youth. We will stand for what is good, for what is right. We will lead by example. Everyday, we will be the antithesis of our nation’s president.
Please forgive my rant. I am extremely frustrated.
All my love, A.R.V.
N.42 “What If” Questions
I find this passage in my notebook.
“What if instead of anger, patience? What if instead of judgment, an attempt to understand? What if instead of hate, empathy? What if instead of war, discussion, negotiation and reasonable compromise?”
The source of these words is unknown to me. I have searched and come up with nothing. I suppose it is possible that they are my own, but I honestly can’t remember. It does not matter. Whoever wrote it, I like the idea. What if in moments of weakness, when we wish to react negatively, our brain was trained to shut down the harmful reaction, and instead consider the opposite, positive alternative?
N.36 On Small Acts of Charity
On many occasions throughout my childhood I witnessed my dad giving money to people on the street. It is not because he had extra money to give away. He had a wife and four children to support, and a family business that was on the brink of collapse more than once. He did it because, as he once said, “That person needed the money more than I do.”
Never overthink charity. Be quick to give. You will certainly hear advice to the contrary. Some will say that the people you are giving money to will use it to buy liquor or drugs. They’ll say that most people on the street are perfectly capable of getting a job. You will hear these people call the homeless all sort of disparaging names. Where this hostility comes from, I can’t speculate, nor can I relate.
My advice to you is to not to concern yourself with what someone might do with a small handout, or why they aren’t gainfully employed even though they appear at first sight to be perfectly capable of work. Discerning one’s situation is not that simple. All you have to know is that they are suffering. If your contribution can in any way ease their despair, even for a short time, it is worthwhile.
A person on the street does not want to be there. This is not how they saw their life going. To be on the street is a desperate and dangerous predicament and to me it does not matter how they got there. Maybe they weren’t born into an environment that offered the opportunities you have been afforded, and therefore have been at a disadvantage from the start. Maybe they have an affliction or an addiction they cannot overcome. Maybe their story is even more tragic.
Whatever circumstances brought about their homelessness, there are a few things of which you can be certain. You are lucky, they are not, and showing compassion is never the wrong choice. It is our duty.
N.35 The Roll of Ambassador
Everywhere I go, I make a concerted effort to act as ambassador, representing whatever label might be attached to me in a given place. For example, when I travel abroad, I act as an ambassador to my country. When I interact with people of different ethnicities, I see myself as an ambassador to my race. When I communicate with women, I am an ambassador of men. When people visit from elsewhere, I am an ambassador to our home town. I even go as far as to act as an ambassador to my university alma mater, engaging happily with opposing fans on those lucky occasions I am able to return to campus for a football game.
This is a simple thing to do, and the value far exceeds the effort it takes to do it. Make connections, greet people warmly, say hello and ask them how they are doing. When possible, engage in conversation, even if it goes no further than a brief exchange of pleasantries. When the interaction concludes, wish them well. These gestures, while subtle and seemingly insignificant, generate good-will between people, they lift people’s spirits, and thus, carry far more value than one may realize.
N.34 On Diversity
Embrace diversity. Make friends with those of ethnic, geographic and socioeconomic backgrounds that are different from your own. Try to better understand life through the eyes of others. Open your heart. Cultivate empathy. Study culture. Read widely the books of authors from other parts of the world. Learn a second language. A third and fourth, if you are inclined. Travel. Wherever you go, greet people with a smile.
N.22 On Religion, Understanding and Goodness
Believe what feels right to you, not what someone tells you is right to believe. What better guide do we have than our own soul? Only by adhering to that which stirs within us will we be fulfilled. I have friends who are Christian, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist. Their religious affiliation has no bearing on my relationship with them. I respect their beliefs and they respect mine. One commonality between them, they are all good people.
The major religions of the world preach peace and compassion as a fundamental principle. Be a good person. Demonstrate kindness. Help people when the opportunity arises. If you can do this, it does not matter if you believe that extraterrestrials created humanity simply to entertain themselves. That said, it may not be wise to bellow such a belief. On that point, it is not wise to bellow any belief. Harmony is achieved through tolerance and respect.
We are connected and aligned by way of the commonalities of the human experience. Regardless of beliefs, we all share many of the same hopes and dreams — we all want peace, opportunities that will help us provide for our families, freedom, the safety of friends and loved ones, the overall wellbeing of humanity and our planet. These things benefit every single person on earth, and thus striving for them is our universal purpose.
Of course, we are unlikely to ever see such collaboration on a global scale. What is in our control, however, is our personal approach to interacting with others. In considering the wellbeing of humanity, all we can do is bring our best self to the people with whom we interact each day. Hopefully, doing so will inspire those we encounter, who may then bring the best version of themselves to their network of friends, family, and colleagues, and on it goes. Cynics may scoff at the idea, claim that such kindness will make us vulnerable, warn that you’ll be taken advantage of. So when it comes to individual relationships are we supposed to live as skeptics? Worried all the time about other’s true motives? That is not the way I care to live. I would prefer to embrace others, guided by the assumption, which isn’t even a conscious thought, that they are good at heart. Be kind and good to others and I think many will pay that goodness forward. That’s it.
N.20 On Being Made Fun of and How You Might Handle It
When you told me that you had heard from a friend something a certain girl had said about you that was unkind, I sat you down and gave you the best advice I could think of. This morning, when I woke I wanted to write that advice down as best as I can remember it.
It doesn’t matter if you are the nicest kid in the class, at some point you’ll become the target of someone’s frustrations. Certain kids will find something about you to take a jab at. It has always been this way, and it always will be, I suppose. The reason for this may have to do with a child’s innate need to make themselves feel better about who they are and the easiest way to do that is to knock someone else down. It may have to do with something that the child is dealing with at home. It may be a combination of all sorts of factors. Whatever the reason, it’s going to happen, so you will have to learn to cope with it.
I know that it is not easy. I remember being made fun of for all kinds of things. My hair cut, the clothes I wore, a poor performance on a test, etc. Looking back now, these trivial jabs actually make me laugh, in a sort of nostalgic fondness for my youth, which may seem strange, but you will one day see. Small things may seem heavy in the moment, however, they all lose their weight over time.
But here you are, a grade schooler in the thick of it, so what to do now? One counter to this sort of behavior is to always be kind and respectful to others. And be careful not to gossip. If you can do these things they will help ensure healthy and long lasting relationships with your peers. As I have told you time and time again, if you are kind to people, you’ll have more friends over the course of your life than you can possibly imagine.
I know there will be times when it is difficult to be kind. Times when the cruelty directed at you is unfair and hurtful and hard to endure. In such situations, a measured silence is often the best response. Lean on your mom and me. Sit down with us, tell us what’s going on and how you feel about it. We’ll listen, offer you the best advice we can, wrap you in a hug and love you with all of our hearts. We are always there for you. Don’t ever forget, in our eyes, you are each the most special person in the whole world.
In my observations, you seem to handle these things very well. Your mom and I have heard the same from teachers and parents. The kindness you show others proves to me that you are a force for good in this world. In fact, I am more proud of your kindness and compassion than anything else, as it is far more important than any solitary achievement, regardless of how grand that achievement might be.
In conclusion, I said to you, “Just keep doing what you’re doing, and everything will be okay.”
Notes From A Father 