Category: Kindness

N. 15 Values

In The Jolly Corner Henry James writes “Proportions and values were upside-down.” I underlined and boxed in this sentence when I first read it, as it felt a most concise and accurate way to describe our society today. More, bigger, me, mine. That, to a large degree, is who we are, not just as a society, but a species.

This is simply an opinion, of course, although one which most people I speak with agree. Let’s assume I am correct and that our proportions and values are upside-down. How do we bring about necessary positive change? The opposite view, I suppose, would be “Less, smaller, you, yours.” This seems an approach far more in line with appreciation, compassion, sustainability, and peace.

However, this is quite altruistic and therefore only a dream with no potential of wide acceptance, much less practice. So, how do take real, practical steps in this direction that will ultimately flip our proportions and values right side up? Are we, as a society and species, able to shift our world view from more to less? From me mindset to one that focuses on service to others? 

There is only one person we are in control of. Therefore, any change we wish to see in the world begins with us. Aspire to live simply and with humility. To treat people with respect. To be kind and help others. This is not as easy as it sounds. It takes extraordinary devotion. Mental and emotional rigor. Again and again we will be tested, and so we must make it our deepest desire and mission in life to be a light in the world.

Wake each day and before you rise from bed say a prayer for guidance to this end. Then set about your day with a quiet resolve to influence by way of action. To set a positive example that others will follow. To lift the spirits of others. That, I believe, is the best we can do.

“Display those virtues that are wholly in your own power — integrity, dignity, hard work, self-denial, contentment, frugality, kindness, independence, simplicity, discretion, magnanimity.”  —Marcus Aurelius

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N.11 Relationships

We are fortunate to have good relationships with our extended family. You have wonderful grandparents that cherish their time with you. With friends we never have issues. With those who have differing and even off-putting opinions, we find ways to base our relationship on common ground. It is work, but the rewards far outweigh the effort. 

What seems illogical or even ridiculous to you will make perfect sense to someone else. Try to remember this and avoid being judgmental. Be a friend. Show compassion. Help others to carry on.

An individual’s views and opinions are made up of an amalgamation of life experience, including upbringing, environment, education, one’s understandings and misunderstandings of how the world works, as well as numerous other variables. Most are not easily swayed from their opinion. In fact, many become angry and even defiant when their position is challenged, even in instances when the opinion they hold can be easily disputed. While making an effort to listen to opinions that, on the surface, I disagree with, and being open to consider what merits these positions may hold, I have, in general, made a habit of avoiding conversation that will stir up contentious emotions, especially with those whom I love and care for. There is no point in it, less making clear to both parties that your positions are at irreconcilable odds. 

There is a reason those who practice law spend countless hours preparing an argument before trail. To expect a well thought out argument from a non-expert at a family gathering or dinner with friends is unrealistic. What you are getting from an individual in most cases is how this person feels. Unless you are an expert in the matter, you can only assess whether or not these feelings mesh with your own, then decide whether or not to make your own feelings known. What you risk, should your feelings differ from a loved one, is the deterioration of a relationship that is important to you. 

People with high moral standards may tell you that one should not refrain from making known the principles upon which they construct their lives, especially when opposition to those principles is being voiced, regardless of how it may impact one’s relationship with another. I do not think this is the best course of action. I have loving relationships with a number of people who have strong opinions contrary to my own. My relationship remains strong largely because I avoid discussing divisive topics and do my best to divert the conversation to a different topic when necessary. Instead of harboring ill will toward that person as a result of these differences, I choose to focus on what it is I love and admire about the person. While frustrating at times, exercising restraint in order to maintain a healthy relationship with those I care about is far and away the better option. This is just my humble opinion. 

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