Category: Friendship

N.57 My Love For Your Mother, Part II

What began as a friendship was made stronger by a mutual attraction and when we were both seventeen we began what you might call our “official relationship.” The relationship we entered into at this young age shaped the remainder of my life and resulted in yours. However, it was not an easy, uncomplicated path to the marriage. There were missteps along the way. There were disagreements and challenges. We went to different colleges, 150 miles apart, and for many years we went our separate ways. During this time we led our own lives, hardly ever seeing each other, but the bond that had been formed between your mom and I stayed with me always. Even when I refused to acknowledge it, it was there. It had been there since the night I asked your mom to prom. This, I believe, was a moment to make note of.

We were at Jonathan Dickinson State Park just north of Jupiter, Florida. Friends had reserved several campsites and thrown a big party in the woods. I knew your mom would be there with friends and planned to ask her as soon as I saw her, afraid that if I didn’t ask quickly, someone else would beat me to it. I was pacing under the tall pine trees, some distance from everyone else and concealed by the dark. I was nervous, sweaty, and kept rehearsing in my head what I might say. When I saw her friend’s car drive up, I suddenly couldn’t recall a single word of the proposal I was drafting, but I knew I it was now or never. There was more than one guy there that night who liked your mom. I had been strategic, mentioning to a few friends my intentions to ask your mom to prom, a way of staking my claim to her prior to officially asking. Despite this, I was aware there were no guarantees. Just knowing I wanted to take her to prom wasn’t necessarily going to keep some other guy from asking her first. And even if I were the first to ask her, I wasn’t totally confident she’d say “yes.” A couple of her friends had suggested she would, but that didn’t doesn’t necessarily mean it was true.  

As soon as I saw her step from the car, I approached. She was wearing jean shorts, white sneakers and a baggy t-shirt. Nearing her, I hesitated. Not because I was having second thoughts, but because it was then, in that moment of approach, that I realized how much I actually liked her. Standing in the moonlight that night, smiling shyly at me with her fingers stuffed in her pockets, your mother was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Her friends had immediately scattered, leaving us alone. Slapping away mosquitos, we stood at the trunk of her friend’s car, making small talk underneath the stars. Behind us, at the campsite, a bonfire had been lit. Dozens of kids conversed and drank beer from plastic cups, laughing and cursing and egging one another on, but I my sole focus was your mom. At the forefront of my mind was “the ask.” How should I preface it? What’s my lead in?

Your mom seemed a little nervous, too. Even though I can’t remember what we talked about, I remember the awkwardness of it all. The disappearance of her friends. The sweat on my face. The bugs. She must know I am going to ask, I thought. And if she knows, why would she have let me corner her here at her friend’s car unless she was planning to accept? Why would she so patiently endure this senseless conversation if she wasn’t going to say “yes!” Eventually, I ran out of things to say, so during the next uncomfortable pause in the conversation I blurted out something along the lines of, “You wouldn’t want to go to prom with me, would you?” A confusing way to phrase a simple question. It didn’t allow her to give a simple “yes” or “no” answer. But it didn’t fluster her a bit. She replied, very sweetly, “I think that’d be a lot of fun.” Judging by her timidness and smile, I thought she might actually feel the same way about me that I did about her.

I have a friend who was fortunate enough to marry the love of his life. A girl he’d known since he was a teenager. They’ve now been married more than twenty years. Recently, he told me, “There’s nothing I could accomplish that would be more important to me than marrying D__. That’s it. Everything else is secondary.” When your mom agreed to go to the prom, something in me recognized the magnitude of the moment. Turns out the feeling I had that night was on the mark, as that uneasy and clumsy moment came to shape the remainder of my life. Since, there have only been a handful of moments as important — one being your mother’s teary-eyed “yes” when I asked her if should would marry me, and the other being the birth of each of you, our beautiful children.

A few minutes after our date was set, your mom climbed back into the car and left with her friends. I later learned that a girlfriend of hers had been in the trunk, hiding from a boy that was going to ask her to prom. Apparently, she had interest in someone else and did not want to have to hurt this boy’s feelings by turning him down, so she hid and had her friends tell the boy she wasn’t allowed to come to the party. Your mom’s friend had heard our entire conversation. As your mom tells it, driving away from the campsite she could hear her friend yelling from inside the trunk, “Woo-who! __ and __ are going to the prom!”

Posted on by A.R. Vaughn 0

N.56 My Love For Your Mother, Part I

Meeting your mother for the first time is the most important event in my life, and sadly, I don’t clearly recall how it happened. We were 14-years old, freshmen in high school. We didn’t have a class together, but we would have passed each other in the halls each day and at some point we must have been introduced. I’d give anything to go back and experience it all again — the first time I saw your mom, the first time we spoke. Just to imagine it is a thrill. What I do remember that first year of high school is thinking that she was beautiful. Her voice, with that slight, unidentifiable accent, and her lively and pleasing laugh made her even more so. A friend of mine on the football team made the case one day at practice that your mom had the best legs in our class. He was right.

The more I got to know your mom, the more I liked her. She was sweet, well-liked, an honor student, and she didn’t ever curse, which was a rarity among our high school classmates. In retrospect, it was only that I happened to be blindly infatuated with someone else that I didn’t ask her out sooner. The other part to this was that I didn’t think I was good enough for her.

At that age, I was immature, acting out, in a near constant state of rebellion. What I was rebelling against, I don’t know. Rules? A perceived lack of freedom? My right as a know-nothing teenager to live exactly how I saw fit? Whatever it was, were it not for your mom, it’s possible that I would have never pulled myself together. Your mother was instrumental in reshaping my priorities, and in doing so, literally turned my life around. The lesson I take away from that experience and wish to pass on to you now is just how important it is to surround yourself with people that have good values. Kids who are non-judgmental, kind, and positive. Kids who have a solid work ethic and stay out of trouble. The type of people who brighten your day and inspire you to be the best version of yourself. For me, more than anyone else I met in high school, that person was your mom.

Posted on by A.R. Vaughn 0

N.49 More Thoughts On Love

In life, avoid the trivial and the superficial. Anchor your life to the things that are good and timeless. Kindness and compassion for others, for instance. Showing love to your friends and family in your regular interactions. Showing love to strangers by way of simple acts. Make these things the foundation of who you are. Love, I believe, is the answer to most of our troubles. Notice that when actual, true love radiates from your heart, all feels right in the world. 

Posted on by A.R. Vaughn 0

N.35 The Roll of Ambassador

Everywhere I go, I make a concerted effort to act as ambassador, representing whatever label might be attached to me in a given place. For example, when I travel abroad, I act as an ambassador to my country. When I interact with people of different ethnicities, I see myself as an ambassador to my race. When I communicate with women, I am an ambassador of men. When people visit from elsewhere, I am an ambassador to our home town. I even go as far as to act as an ambassador to my university alma mater, engaging happily with opposing fans on those lucky occasions I am able to return to campus for a football game.

This is a simple thing to do, and the value far exceeds the effort it takes to do it. Make connections, greet people warmly, say hello and ask them how they are doing. When possible, engage in conversation, even if it goes no further than a brief exchange of pleasantries. When the interaction concludes, wish them well. These gestures, while subtle and seemingly insignificant, generate good-will between people, they lift people’s spirits, and thus, carry far more value than one may realize.

Posted on by A.R. Vaughn 0

N.20 On Being Made Fun of and How You Might Handle It

When you told me that you had heard from a friend something a certain girl had said about you that was unkind, I sat you down and gave you the best advice I could think of. This morning, when I woke I wanted to write that advice down as best as I can remember it.

It doesn’t matter if you are the nicest kid in the class, at some point you’ll become the target of someone’s frustrations. Certain kids will find something about you to take a jab at. It has always been this way, and it always will be, I suppose. The reason for this may have to do with a child’s innate need to make themselves feel better about who they are and the easiest way to do that is to knock someone else down. It may have to do with something that the child is dealing with at home. It may be a combination of all sorts of factors. Whatever the reason, it’s going to happen, so you will have to learn to cope with it.

I know that it is not easy. I remember being made fun of for all kinds of things. My hair cut, the clothes I wore, a poor performance on a test, etc. Looking back now, these trivial jabs actually make me laugh, in a sort of nostalgic fondness for my youth, which may seem strange, but you will one day see. Small things may seem heavy in the moment, however, they all lose their weight over time.

But here you are, a grade schooler in the thick of it, so what to do now? One counter to this sort of behavior is to always be kind and respectful to others. And be careful not to gossip. If you can do these things they will help ensure healthy and long lasting relationships with your peers. As I have told you time and time again, if you are kind to people, you’ll have more friends over the course of your life than you can possibly imagine.

I know there will be times when it is difficult to be kind. Times when the cruelty directed at you is unfair and hurtful and hard to endure. In such situations, a measured silence is often the best response. Lean on your mom and me. Sit down with us, tell us what’s going on and how you feel about it. We’ll listen, offer you the best advice we can, wrap you in a hug and love you with all of our hearts. We are always there for you. Don’t ever forget, in our eyes, you are each the most special person in the whole world.

In my observations, you seem to handle these things very well. Your mom and I have heard the same from teachers and parents. The kindness you show others proves to me that you are a force for good in this world. In fact, I am more proud of your kindness and compassion than anything else, as it is far more important than any solitary achievement, regardless of how grand that achievement might be.

In conclusion, I said to you, “Just keep doing what you’re doing, and everything will be okay.”

Posted on by A.R. Vaughn 0

N.11 Relationships

We are fortunate to have good relationships with our extended family. You have wonderful grandparents that cherish their time with you. With friends we never have issues. With those who have differing and even off-putting opinions, we find ways to base our relationship on common ground. It is work, but the rewards far outweigh the effort. 

What seems illogical or even ridiculous to you will make perfect sense to someone else. Try to remember this and avoid being judgmental. Be a friend. Show compassion. Help others to carry on.

An individual’s views and opinions are made up of an amalgamation of life experience, including upbringing, environment, education, one’s understandings and misunderstandings of how the world works, as well as numerous other variables. Most are not easily swayed from their opinion. In fact, many become angry and even defiant when their position is challenged, even in instances when the opinion they hold can be easily disputed. While making an effort to listen to opinions that, on the surface, I disagree with, and being open to consider what merits these positions may hold, I have, in general, made a habit of avoiding conversation that will stir up contentious emotions, especially with those whom I love and care for. There is no point in it, less making clear to both parties that your positions are at irreconcilable odds. 

There is a reason those who practice law spend countless hours preparing an argument before trail. To expect a well thought out argument from a non-expert at a family gathering or dinner with friends is unrealistic. What you are getting from an individual in most cases is how this person feels. Unless you are an expert in the matter, you can only assess whether or not these feelings mesh with your own, then decide whether or not to make your own feelings known. What you risk, should your feelings differ from a loved one, is the deterioration of a relationship that is important to you. 

People with high moral standards may tell you that one should not refrain from making known the principles upon which they construct their lives, especially when opposition to those principles is being voiced, regardless of how it may impact one’s relationship with another. I do not think this is the best course of action. I have loving relationships with a number of people who have strong opinions contrary to my own. My relationship remains strong largely because I avoid discussing divisive topics and do my best to divert the conversation to a different topic when necessary. Instead of harboring ill will toward that person as a result of these differences, I choose to focus on what it is I love and admire about the person. While frustrating at times, exercising restraint in order to maintain a healthy relationship with those I care about is far and away the better option. This is just my humble opinion. 

Posted on by A.R. Vaughn 0