Category: Ambition

N. 25 Recurring Failures

I am often of the opinion that, as a father and husband, I am not enough. I am not doing enough, providing enough, achieving enough. I am not bringing enough enthusiasm or positivity to our household each day. I am not wise enough, and therefore I’m making poor decisions and saying the wrong things. The frustration and exhaustion come over me are more powerful than my strength to overcome.

All I can do to remedy this is apologize. Each day brings small successes and seemingly larger failures. It is the failures that linger. When they occur, I sit with regret, analyze what I have done wrong, vow to improve. Sometimes I succeed, other times, clearly, I do not. Here’s something you may not know. Just as children wish to please a father, a father wishes to please his children, to make them proud of the father that he is. I can only hope that the cumulative effect of my efforts over the course of my life, all the successes and failure, brings about the desired result.

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N.21 Leading by Example

If I had the time, I would write a book titled Curriculum For A Noble Leader. Compelling title, right? Simply sketching this title on a sticky note and pasting it above my desk might inspire me to be a better father, a better person. A leader is not just one who holds political office or military rank, runs a company or leads an organization. Any individual can be a leader. Opportunities present themselves every day. Lead by way of quiet action.

Come to think of it, Plato may have already addressed this topic, rather meticulously, too, I imagine, in his book The Republic. On The Republic, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Burn the libraries; for their value is in this book.” Given Emerson’s endorsement, I think my book would probably be redundant, not to mention remarkably inferior. Okay then, maybe this project is unnecessary, and since I don’t have the time anyway, let’s forget it. What I need to do instead is read The Republic and report back to you. I think I can make time for that, but we’ll see.

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N.14 Contentment

Somewhere I heard the phrase “restless striving.” This phrase has stayed with me, as I feel it very well describes the state in which many of us live. Perhaps it is our restless striving that carries so many of us from one phase of discontentment to another. 

Soren Kierkegaard wrote, “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” The fact that we have options, i.e. freedom, is the root cause of our anxiety. This freedom leads us to believe there is always something else out there that might be better for us. We could live in a different city, send our children to a different school, have a more fulfilling job, a better home, and so on. We are constantly pondering numerous alternatives to our current state, hence, the anxiety.

This day and age, contentment seems a dying concept. Is it possible to continue to strive, to work to achieve the goals you have set for yourself, while fully appreciating your current lot in life? Maybe you will accomplish great things. Maybe all of your dreams will come true. And maybe they won’t. There are many unknown variables that will dramatically alter your course, but if you are aware and can accept this inevitable randomness, and can continue to strive while remaining content with whatever good fortune has befallen you, you will experience a greater level of contentment. If you can do this while transcending society’s view that success is defined by financial status and material goods, better still.

“He is happy whom circumstances suit his temper; but he is more excellent who suits his temper to any circumstance.” –David Hume  

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N.13 The Mindset of A Child

Below is a passage I came upon in Frederick Nietzsche’s Untimely Meditations. It seemed important to pass along.

“This is the means by which an inquiry into the most important aspect can be initiated: let the youthful soul look back on life with the question ‘What have you truly loved up to now; what has drawn your soul aloft; what has mastered it and at the same time blessed it?'”

In Nietzsche’s book Thus Spoke Zarathustra, he explains that the goal of humanity is to become the Übermensch, or “Over-Man.” As best I understand it, the Over-Man is one who has transcended the rigors of adulthood and reverted to the playful and innocent mindset of a child. And while I fail miserably each day at becoming, or even resembling, the Over-Man, my life is better for trying.

Who knows, maybe you’ll find this concept interesting and aspire to become the “Over-Woman.” Regardless, do what you can to apply a childlike perspective to aspects of life which cause unreasonable stress. Be playful and spontaneous. Maintain a lighthearted attitude toward your own hardships. The more you are able to laugh at life’s absurdities, the happier you will be.

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N.6 Wants and Needs

At the writing of this book, I am 45-years old. Your mother, the same. As adults in their mid-40s go, we are relatively healthy, or so we’ve been told. We live in a small, but adequate apartment, high in the mountains of Colorado. Through windows on the north side stands a tall mountain that over millions of years has taken the form of an offshore ocean swell rolling slowly toward the coast. Near the summit are sloping meadows of evergreens and aspens. In mid to late September the aspen leaves turn gold. In winter, the upper reaches are white with snow. When summer comes the trees bloom once again and the mountain turns bright green. The view of this mountain is altered daily by sunlight, clouds, even rainbows. We have called this place home for over ten years and to this day the view never fails to inspire. More than once, while peering at the mountain through the upstairs bedroom window, my eyes have filled with tears. 

At this age, I have little in the way of material possessions that concern me. My wedding ring. An acoustic guitar. The pocket bible of a friend who died young. A Hermes tie from his father that I wore to my friend’s funeral, and later his father’s. A pair of moccasins bought in Taos for my first born by another friend who also died young. A few boxes of old photographs. A significant number of books. Some journals and personalized notes from my parents and your mom. A series of three portraits depicting each of you that were painted by a local artist. These are my most cherished possessions. At the moment, I don’t know that I need anything more. 

Life, however, is not quite as simple as I have made it sound. I’m often confused as to the purpose of my constant striving. Monetarily, we never seem to have enough and this causes great strain. I never stop thinking and am almost always exhausted. Is there one thing that will make me content once and for all? What is it that will help us, as a family, attain a sustainable happiness? Is it more money? A larger home? Some greater level of achievement? Stronger faith? 

A recurring burden is the sense that we must have more. It has been my wish to move you girls and your mother into a more spacious home, leaving behind this small apartment and the neighbors who lack decency enough to keep their homes neat and tidy. A home that makes you excited to invite friends over to spend the night. With each passing day, this urgency grows. I want to put you in a better place, it is my greatest desire, yet I have not been able to figure out a way to do so. 

While this anxiety builds, I cannot help but acknowledge the fact that our family needs little else. We live in what I believe is one of the most beautiful towns in the world. A town with excellent schools, friendly people, and low crime. A town where people think and dream big. Granted, this is due in part to the fact that they can afford to, but that does not diminish the value of such ambition. After all, imagining something is achievable is the first step in actually achieving it. Having been able to create a life in this town, for me, is a victory in itself. 

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