Author: A.R. Vaughn

A.R. Vaughn is husband and father of three living in Colorado.

N.27 Language

One lament of the digital era is the diminished value of the written word. The words of intellectuals and scientists have lost power in today’s culture. Most of us do not have the patience, nor the desire to think deeply enough on a topic to comprehend a well-reasoned position based on fact and logic.

Today, the power lies with those who best utilize juvenile language and overly simplistic catch phrases. Though these bullet pointed statements have little substance, they easily fuel anxiety and encourage the public’s most dangerous impulses. Had Edward Bulwer-Lytton lived today, he may have instead written, “The Tweet is mightier than the sword.” It will serve you well if you can avoid being swayed by such juvenile rhetoric.

Anything you find yourself scrolling through endlessly should be considered for deletion. Limit distractions. Keep open space in your mind for thought and reason. Strengthen your attention span. Read to expand your imagination. Read to seek truth. Read to better yourself. Read for the pure pleasure of it. Remember, the greatest minds that have ever lived have put their thoughts and ideas into books. Buy a bookshelf and fill it. Then buy another, and fill it…

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N.26 On Art

In addition to spending ample time in nature, immerse yourself in the beauty of humanity’s creations. Read the great works of literature, the books of the most distinguished philosophical thinkers, the speeches, essays, and manifesto’s of the world’s most astute minds. Become well versed in the fine arts. Spend time in the world’s most cultured cities. Appreciate their architecture and monuments. Visit their museums. This practice will help hone a deep artistic sensibility that will bring immeasurable value to your life.  

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N. 25 Recurring Failures

I am often of the opinion that, as a father and husband, I am not enough. I am not doing enough, providing enough, achieving enough. I am not bringing enough enthusiasm or positivity to our household each day. I am not wise enough, and therefore I’m making poor decisions and saying the wrong things. The frustration and exhaustion come over me are more powerful than my strength to overcome.

All I can do to remedy this is apologize. Each day brings small successes and seemingly larger failures. It is the failures that linger. When they occur, I sit with regret, analyze what I have done wrong, vow to improve. Sometimes I succeed, other times, clearly, I do not. Here’s something you may not know. Just as children wish to please a father, a father wishes to please his children, to make them proud of the father that he is. I can only hope that the cumulative effect of my efforts over the course of my life, all the successes and failure, brings about the desired result.

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N.24 Bedtime

Tonight you were upset that you had scored poorly on a practice spelling quiz. You got 8 of 20 correct. You began to cry and put your head down on the table. I tried to explain that there was no need to get upset. I knew you could do better, and with a little practice, you would. You did not want to hear it. You started to cry even harder. I stood up and walked into my bedroom, needing to regroup. A moment later, you got up from the table and stormed off. I could hear your footsteps thump across the floor and up the stairs. I felt things were suddenly spiraling out of control.

A few minutes later I found you sitting at the top of the stairs, working on your spelling words. You were determined. I grabbed a pillow and joined you, sitting a few stairs below. As a show of support, your little sister appeared with your white bear, “Snuggy,” handed it to you, and asked if we could take a break so she could read us a poem she had written about wanting to be a colorful rainbow.

When you took another practice exam, you got all but one correct. You were so proud. I was, too. At bedtime, you asked if I would lay with you, just for a few minutes. You draped your am over my shoulder, and my arm was draped over yours. I wondered about the love you felt for me in that moment. The happiness, security and contentment. What was it like? Was it similar to what I felt? An overpowering love. A love greater than one can fully comprehend. Did you love me that way? Is that what you felt? I hoped so, for if you, my children, love me as much as I love you, there seems is little else we need in life. 

With you girls, I know this will change in time. The love you now reserve exclusively for your mother and I will eventually shift to someone else. It is hard to imagine, but one day there will be another lying there with you, your arms draped over one another’s shoulders, staring into one another’s eyes, the love between you a feeling as close to bliss as you may ever experience. I know this because I have felt it with your mother. In fact, I still do.

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N.23 On Nature

I have never been one to learn the scientific name of every plant, flower, bird, cloud formation or the type of rock that makes up a mountain. Of course, the labeling and categorization of such things provides the entry point to a deeper understanding of nature, and I do admire those who pursue and delight in developing such expertise. It could be that my brain is not suited for such memorization, much less a rigorous scientific analysis of how things function and interact in the world.

Throughout my life I have been drawn to how a particular scene in nature — a forest, a mountain, a desert, a lake, a beach — makes me feel. Does this landscape stir my soul? If it does, I know right off because I can feel it pulsing inside of me. But why? What is it about a place that moves me? This is what I wish to explore. The surge I sometimes feel. What is it exactly? Where does it come from? The sense of wonder, the interconnectedness? Why is it that in certain places I sense a magic? Is it the beauty? The solitude? The sense of geological time? The earth’s energy?

This, I imagine, is a mystic’s approach to viewing nature. Some would probably say it’s also a lazy way to go about it, and it certainly is in contrast to the scientific approach, but simply being present and attuned to my feelings while in nature brings me immense joy. You, I hope, will continue to develop and strengthen your connection with nature over time. If you wish to know the rocks and the sky, know the rocks and the sky. If you wish to know the wildlife and the roll each animal plays in all of this, by all means, do it. If you simply wish to find the best places to sit and gaze in wonder, this I can assure you: only good will come of it. Regardless of how you decide to engage with nature, my hope is that you will always seek it, and care for it, and hold it forever in your heart as a fundamental piece of a well balanced and meaningful life.

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N.22 On Religion, Understanding and Goodness

Believe what feels right to you, not what someone tells you is right to believe. What better guide do we have than our own soul? Only by adhering to that which stirs within us will we be fulfilled. I have friends who are Christian, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, and Buddhist. Their religious affiliation has no bearing on my relationship with them. I respect their beliefs and they respect mine. One commonality between them, they are all good people.

The major religions of the world preach peace and compassion as a fundamental principle. Be a good person. Demonstrate kindness. Help people when the opportunity arises. If you can do this, it does not matter if you believe that extraterrestrials created humanity simply to entertain themselves. That said, it may not be wise to bellow such a belief. On that point, it is not wise to bellow any belief. Harmony is achieved through tolerance and respect.

We are connected and aligned by way of the commonalities of the human experience. Regardless of beliefs, we all share many of the same hopes and dreams — we all want peace, opportunities that will help us provide for our families, freedom, the safety of friends and loved ones, the overall wellbeing of humanity and our planet. These things benefit every single person on earth, and thus striving for them is our universal purpose.

Of course, we are unlikely to ever see such collaboration on a global scale. What is in our control, however, is our personal approach to interacting with others. In considering the wellbeing of humanity, all we can do is bring our best self to the people with whom we interact each day. Hopefully, doing so will inspire those we encounter, who may then bring the best version of themselves to their network of friends, family, and colleagues, and on it goes. Cynics may scoff at the idea, claim that such kindness will make us vulnerable, warn that you’ll be taken advantage of. So when it comes to individual relationships are we supposed to live as skeptics? Worried all the time about other’s true motives? That is not the way I care to live. I would prefer to embrace others, guided by the assumption, which isn’t even a conscious thought, that they are good at heart. Be kind and good to others and I think many will pay that goodness forward. That’s it. 

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N.21 Leading by Example

If I had the time, I would write a book titled Curriculum For A Noble Leader. Compelling title, right? Simply sketching this title on a sticky note and pasting it above my desk might inspire me to be a better father, a better person. A leader is not just one who holds political office or military rank, runs a company or leads an organization. Any individual can be a leader. Opportunities present themselves every day. Lead by way of quiet action.

Come to think of it, Plato may have already addressed this topic, rather meticulously, too, I imagine, in his book The Republic. On The Republic, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Burn the libraries; for their value is in this book.” Given Emerson’s endorsement, I think my book would probably be redundant, not to mention remarkably inferior. Okay then, maybe this project is unnecessary, and since I don’t have the time anyway, let’s forget it. What I need to do instead is read The Republic and report back to you. I think I can make time for that, but we’ll see.

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N.20 On Being Made Fun of and How You Might Handle It

When you told me that you had heard from a friend something a certain girl had said about you that was unkind, I sat you down and gave you the best advice I could think of. This morning, when I woke I wanted to write that advice down as best as I can remember it.

It doesn’t matter if you are the nicest kid in the class, at some point you’ll become the target of someone’s frustrations. Certain kids will find something about you to take a jab at. It has always been this way, and it always will be, I suppose. The reason for this may have to do with a child’s innate need to make themselves feel better about who they are and the easiest way to do that is to knock someone else down. It may have to do with something that the child is dealing with at home. It may be a combination of all sorts of factors. Whatever the reason, it’s going to happen, so you will have to learn to cope with it.

I know that it is not easy. I remember being made fun of for all kinds of things. My hair cut, the clothes I wore, a poor performance on a test, etc. Looking back now, these trivial jabs actually make me laugh, in a sort of nostalgic fondness for my youth, which may seem strange, but you will one day see. Small things may seem heavy in the moment, however, they all lose their weight over time.

But here you are, a grade schooler in the thick of it, so what to do now? One counter to this sort of behavior is to always be kind and respectful to others. And be careful not to gossip. If you can do these things they will help ensure healthy and long lasting relationships with your peers. As I have told you time and time again, if you are kind to people, you’ll have more friends over the course of your life than you can possibly imagine.

I know there will be times when it is difficult to be kind. Times when the cruelty directed at you is unfair and hurtful and hard to endure. In such situations, a measured silence is often the best response. Lean on your mom and me. Sit down with us, tell us what’s going on and how you feel about it. We’ll listen, offer you the best advice we can, wrap you in a hug and love you with all of our hearts. We are always there for you. Don’t ever forget, in our eyes, you are each the most special person in the whole world.

In my observations, you seem to handle these things very well. Your mom and I have heard the same from teachers and parents. The kindness you show others proves to me that you are a force for good in this world. In fact, I am more proud of your kindness and compassion than anything else, as it is far more important than any solitary achievement, regardless of how grand that achievement might be.

In conclusion, I said to you, “Just keep doing what you’re doing, and everything will be okay.”

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N.19 Money vs. Experience

While you must be wise with your money and careful to limit excessive expenditures, you will never regret spending on a worthwhile experience. What I’ve found is that in time you will forget how much money was spent on an experience, leaving only the cherished memory of the experience itself.  

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N.18 Time of Your Own

The times I have felt most content and in the moment correlate almost perfectly with a peak level of freedom. In other words, I feel best when I am most free. Or when we, as a family, are most free. And by free, I mean unfastened to external ties. From the people and systems and the devices that impose varying levels of control over our lives. 

I’ll give you some of my favorite examples. The day I drove from the coast to the summit of Mauna Kea to sit in the snow and stare out over the Pacific Ocean. An experience I had dreamt of for 25 years. During the entirety of this excursion the thought of an obligation to another never entered my mind. Or the time I went on a long walk in the desert near Uluru. The silence that morning was so complete the rest of world seemed not to exist. Or the time I sat for hours in the lobby of our hotel in Marfa while all of you busied yourselves with crafts at a nearby table. In this particular place, I had no cell service. A powerful storm thrashed the hotel’s floor to ceiling windows that afternoon. It was mesmerizing to watch. In those hours I was completely unburdened, untouchable, impervious even to the concern I would soon feel over how to pay for our road trip.

These are the rare pockets of time that have been wholly my own. And though only a temporary reprieve from life’s obligations, these moments are critically important to our well-being. I do love visiting with friends and family and meeting new people. I do love my work. But I long for undisturbed time with you. For undisturbed time with your mother. And for undisturbed time alone. 

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